A Fight & the ‘D’ word

I wish I could report back to you that everything was sunshine and rainbows in my new marriage.  But it’s not. 

Last night, at yet another attempt at dinner, we had a magnificent blowout.  The contenders: husband and wife. The onlookers: One black lab and any neighbor who walked by the house.

The fight was founded on the premise that it was 8ish and my husband was already visibly drunk.  Usually, I’d be right there with him. But I did something very stupid the weekend before and alcohol was involved. So I told my husband and myself that I would take a break from my beloved spirits and go dry for a stretch. Well in my 1-week journey of sobriety, I realized that hubby wasn’t just having one or two beers – he could polish off a 12-pack. Seriously? That’s not cool! I thought my glass of wine or two (or sometimes three) was bad… but a 12-pack in one night during the week? Holy wheat and barley - Not good.

Anyway, I told him I didn’t want to have a serious conversation when he was drunk. But, you can’t reason with the spirits of alcohol.  Things turned rather ugly when I mentioned his current state. Then it got hideous from there.  I yelled about our lack of intimacy and sex.  Actually screamed at him for not ever wanted to go down on me when I was so willing to head south for him.  Then he asked me why I married him and I told him I was in a drunken haze for the last five years so at this point I really didn’t know why I married him.  Then he said that we should get a divorce and he’ll sign the papers tomorrow.  Of course, I told him that was impossible and he asked why? And I said because tomorrow is Sunday.  (Yeah, there’s pieces missing but you don’t need all the nasty details, do you?)

After that, I stormed around the house. He said he was leaving and I said he should grab another beer and work on his 2nd DUI.  (I knew that would convince him to go for a walk as opposed to a drive.) Well, he left on foot.

Long story short – when he came back we had a good conversation. The best we’ve had in a long, long time.  We talked about ourselves and how to become better people. We talked about our own personal issues and how easily alcohol can blanket our problems.  That we love each other and we can get back to the people we used to be together… because we don’t like the people we’ve become together.

So, where do we go from here?  I guess I’ll find out. I do know I’d rather have a fight like this sooner, rather than later. Life’s too short to waste any time.

Saturday. Marriage. Sex

Today is Saturday. I woke up much later than I usually do. I think it’s because my over-worked mind needed a break from reality. There’s just too many things going on in the noggin these days. You know what I mean?

When my husband got out of bed, he told me that he wanted to start the weekend off right. He DOES NOT want to fight today. So, I’m up now and there’s still tension in the air. And it’s not sexual tension, though I wish it was…

I still wonder how did we get here? How did things get so hard? Is it because we’re not meant to be together or is it because marriage and relationships are just hard?  My theory is that he and I are incredibly selfish. We like to do what we like to do and it’s gotten to the point where it doesn’t include each other.  And, appalling as it is, it was like that before we got married.  But now, it’s worse.

Another thing, I like sex more than he does. Yes. A woman can like sex more than a guy and I’m not going to make any excuses about it. I’ve never been a slut. I’ve never been loose. I think sex is safest to be had in a relationship. So, now that I’m in this “To Death Do Us Part” relationship I find it sad that I don’t get enough sex. I’m in my 30s people! So is he! We should be having sex like jack rabbits, right? Or am I delusional? I’m sick of my frickin vibrator. Those were for my lonely, single days.

People, how do we get passion back? I want heat. I want passion. I want hot, steamy, make-me-scream sex…  WITH MY HUSBAND.  Somebody has gotta tell me how to get it back.

Little Girl Love

I remember when I was a little girl, floating on a raft in the pool, looking up at the clear blue sky and talking to my friend about marriage.  It was a breezy, summer day.  I don’t remember how old I was, but back then I thought love was happily ever after. It was magical and mystical and unknown. I knew I wanted to be swept away by it. 

I so wanted to know true, beautiful and innocent love. It had nothing to do with sex, passion or any of those big girl thoughts. It had everything to do with the heart. 

From time to time, I think about that little girl drifting lazily in the pool, looking up at the sky with her heart filled with this idea of love.  And. I wonder what she would think of me now.    

Funny. If I close my eyes I can feel the warm breeze on my skin and hear the ice cream truck in the distance.  I listen to the soft sound of the wind rustling the tree leaves and the water lapping against the pool side.  My friend and I enjoy the silence.  It’s as if we’re both praying for love to find us.

All I know is I’m young, happy and hopeful.  But that’s just little girl love.  Or is it?     

Marriage is Hard

I’m eight months married today.  But we’ve been together for more than five years.  The reason I’m blogging is because we got in a fight – But really, MARRIAGE IS HARD.  People try and tell you how marriage changes things, but you really don’t know until you’re in the trenches.  Yeah, right about now… I’d say that marriage sucks.  It sucks big, fat donkey balls.  (Not that I ever sucked donkey balls.)

The honeymoon was over six weeks into the marriage.  And then the fighting began. Sometimes I wonder, how did we get here? How do all those other seemingly happy married people do it? Really, what’s the secret?  Ok. I hear that communication is key.  No shit, Sherlock.  But how do you get back on track? How do you get passion and all that back when all you want to do is stab your fork in his throat during dinner. (For the record, that’s not a daily thought… only when we fight. And as a reminder, we did tonight.) 

Anyway, here’s to a blog about marriage.  The good, the bad and the mother frickin ugly.  Hopefully, there’s not too much of the latter. 

So people, how do you do it?  How do you respect each other and also respect yourself?  Tell me. Please.